I’m Tired of Feeling this Way

I wake up, my heart beating out the alcohol from the night before; my mind slowly remembering what happened. I think, what did I eat and how much did I drink? I look down at my belly feeling the bloat and water retention, feeling disgusted with myself.  Same scenario, same thoughts, like a terrible song on repeat.  How did I get here? This was the all to common theme that had reoccurred in my life, binge drinking paired with binge eating.  A terrible twosome, a pair I felt so comfortable with.  When I would begin, it felt so good; drowning myself in that bottle and stuffing the emptiness with food.  The numbness that took over my mind was the perfect escape and the food was my cozy, little blanket. The perfect combo, feeling numb inside the warmth.  Only to hate myself over and over again once I regained my consciousness. How did I get here? This question only started to come up recently in my older years.  When I was younger, I never did this type of activity solo.  Like a fish swirling a small fish bowl, was the thought How did I get here?  How did drinking alcohol become an addiction and when did the food addiction come with it?

As I pull myself out of bed, trying to shake away the terrible hangover, trying to shake my scolding thoughts from the night before.  Thinking I’m better than this, right? I hate myself as I look in the mirror, with mascara underneath my eyelids; looking as though I aged 10 years over night. Ewww, I’m fat, look at the cheese on my arms, I’m so ugly and fat. I feel so uncomfortable in my own body and grow tired of my mind, and it hasn’t even been 10 minutes since I’ve been awake. So I play some music to try and cheer myself up, to drown out my hateful thoughts. Okay, I’ve got this, I binged because I felt lonely the other night. I will get right to the gym and I will feel better. And the back and forth begins in my mind, between light and dark I go.  There is no in between, only one end of the spectrum and then back to the other end.  The question rises again, How did I get here?

Enough of this, I’m tired of feeling this way.  I’m tired of the nightmarish merry go round, round and round I go in my head.  Round and round I go with my habits. I felt determined to unveil my past, dig in to my deepest, darkest emotions and find the child that has been hiding scared in the closet.  The child that started to hide because she is afraid of the world and criticism, of her own spiraling negative patterns. I’m ready to bring that girl back out, back out into the light where her imagination and sense of wonder can run free. Ahhh, to be free, to be free from my mind, from my own hatred and criticism.

 

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