I can’t have ice cream, chips, cookies, or anything of the like inside my house. I can’t control myself, even though I am consciously aware of what I am doing, I end up bingeing on those items. I always knew this about myself, but wasn’t fully aware of the constant battle of “bad” vs “good” in my mind. Everyday a new battlefield begins in my “mine’d” field. What am I going to eat today? I better eat “good” foods so I don’t get fat. So, I begin with something healthy feeling good about my decisions. Oatmeal or eggs and a soy sausage or a granola bar, then of course always paired with a coffee. Then slowly the troops begin to line up. You should eat at every meal and have snacks in between. But I’m not hungry, why should I eat when I’m not hungry? Because it gets your metabolism going. Gosh I feel fat today, why can’t I lose wait? God, look at my stomach, ew my double chin is increasing. The troops of negativity stomp around in my mind, but it is so constant that it has become like a song playing in the background. I find myself craving the foods I shouldn’t be eating – chips, candy, wine, cheese, popcorn. The battle begins, no those foods are “bad” I can’t eat those because I will become fat. I am already getting fatter, stay away from those foods. Choose “good” food. By the end of the day, I feel stressed and never really knew why. I’ll desperately crave wine to wash away the stress that I was unaware of the cause. Then one day, the troops stood in the fore front of my mind. I had realized I have been battling, from one extreme of the spectrum to the other my entire life. But, it started to increasingly become worse. Going on a diet eating “good” food and then bingeing, stuffing my emotions with all the foods I wanted. WHY CAN’T I BE NORMAL!? I was so tired of this. I did not want to think about food, I didn’t want to care about food! So, I stopped caring. And guess what, that made it worse. I found myself only eating “good” sometimes, and frequenting drive thru’s which I never ever frequented, because that was something really terrible to do. I found myself buying my “bad” foods at the store, which always included wine. You see, I can’t just have one glass, I can’t have just one bowl of ice cream, I can’t have just one portion of chips. I continuously need more, more and more!
Whenever there is ice cream in the house, which now I have learned to get just a pint and share it with my boyfriend, but even then I feel shameful after eating it! Before, we used to get the bigger sizes of ice cream. My boyfriend began to notice that the ice cream went quickly, he would always ask “what happened to all the ice cream? I was going to have a bowl.” Then I would shamefully say “I ate it and you take too long to eat it!” What happens is I will grab a bowl of ice cream. Then I tell myself I am done, no more ice cream because I just had a bowl. Oops, I stepped on a mine in my mine’d field! That ice cream is so delicious, it tasted so incredibly good and the texture is so creamy and smooth. I want another bowl. No, that’s bad! I can’t have another bowl, that is going over my portions, that is a lot of calories. No, no I cannot have more ice cream. I will get fat; I will add to the fat I have already accrued on my body. Then wouldn’t you know it, I am in the freezer with my spoon taking spoonful’s of ice cream out. Telling myself that it’s only a little bit more. Then I make agreements with myself and the ice cream. Okay just 3 more spoonful’s. Then I’ll stop. Then, like a time warp of spooning portions, I have eaten half the carton! I always wondered why I couldn’t be normal like other people I had witnessed, who could have some ice cream and then be done. Nope, not me.
The same goes for chips. Can’t have them in the house. I will portion out a bowl, then I step on a mine in my mine’d zone. I can’t have any more chips, I already had my portion. If I have more I will get fat, I’m already terribly fat. Look at my stomach, the chips will go right in there. Chips are “bad” I shouldn’t be eating chips. Then I find myself in the kitchen grabbing a handful of chips, making an agreement with me and that bag of chips. Only a couple handfuls more and I will stop. Then the food time warp happens and I have almost eaten the entire bag! The same goes for cookies, Cheez It’s, candy, chocolate, wine, popcorn, and the list goes on. My worst binges involve wine. I will drink myself into a drunken stupor and continuously eat food while I’m drinking. I’m never hungry when I am eating, but I do it anyways. In the moment, it feels so incredibly good because I don’t care! I literally do not feel anything, it seems fun. I feel a sense of freedom within these binges, the feeling of not caring. The freedom from the battle field. Sometimes, I will eat and drink so much that I end up puking because there is no room left in my stomach. I have filled it beyond capacity.
I am fully aware of my binges and I know that it is “bad” and that I should stop. But something in me takes over and there is no stopping me. Then after the binge, I am filled with guilt, shame, and hatred towards myself. Then I stress myself out from how fat I am going to get and how much weight I am putting on. Then I go to a mirror nearby and analyze my disgusting stomach. Oh god, it’s getting bigger. There are now dimples on my stomach and it is protruding. Yuck, my biff! Ugh, ugh. Disgust is all I feel when I look in the mirror. But I continue to torture myself. I’ll be “good” tomorrow. I’ll go back on a diet. I’ll hit the gym and get back on my routine.
It’s rather annoying, I know exactly what it takes to live a healthy lifestyle of food and exercise. However, I have been continuing to live from one extreme to the next on the food spectrum. Why is this happening? How do I stop this war? Will I ever have a balanced appetite? I wish I didn’t care about food; I wish I never thought about food. But unfortunately, it is there being tortured on the battlefield with mines blowing up. No wonder I was so stressed out! This was a terrible cycle, feeling guilt, shame and disgust from my decisions. Then stressing myself about getting fat and continuing my mine’d zone, then stuffing the stress with food and wine. Vicious, vicious cycle.