I’m a Fucking Paradox

Am I a paradox?  I just don’t understand myself.  I take risks, go into unchartered territory, and go out of my comfort zones.  I have always prided myself in “learning the lesson” in every situation. I recently ran a half marathon, A HALF MARATHON folks. Way out of my comfort zone.  I loved running 5k’s and was becoming decent with 10K’s, but a half marathon? No way!!  I told myself I would never run that many miles, that was something I could never do or would ever want to do.  Then I met a running friend, who previously had been training with a friend for a half marathon and her friend canceled on her.  So, she tried convincing me to do one.  If you convince me in the right moment, I get crazy and say “YES!”  That was that, we chose a half marathon close to both of us, a college rivalry Half Marathon between the two most competitive colleges in our state. I began training, running a certain amount of miles every week but had that pesky background voice telling me there is no way I can do this, 13.1 miles!? I will never get there. Well, it took a lot of training and not just that, it took positive thinking.  I had to override that background voice.  I had to convince myself of this feat. When race day came, I was still scared, like a part of me still heard that voice in the background convincing me I couldn’t do it.  I tried to focus on my goals, which can be difficult when I got passed by a speed walker, who was keeping a solid rate of an 11 minute mile.  But, I chose to root her on because that must have taken a lot of training and I was happy with my 12:30 minute mile.  I kept going and I ran a solid 10 miles, no lie, a solid 10.  I did so through positive thinking, I’ve got this, I ran this before during training.  I have to finish.  Look at all these people out here, a bunch of positive thinkers. You got this! You are doing awesome! Focus on the music, you are strong, feel your strong legs and lungs.  Keep it up! Then the last 3 miles got extremely painful and uncomfortable. My quads started to tighten, rock solid and my feet began to crunch up.  That’s the best way to explain it, but my body literally started to shut down.  My boyfriend called me when I was on my last mile and I almost cried, thinking I wasn’t going to make it and he would have to come pick me up.  He said, “come on babe I’m here with Xena (our dog) waiting for you at the finish line, you are so close.”  He was right! Thinking of him and my doggie at the finish line is what helped me to power through, a visualization technique at its best. And with that, I made it! I fucking made it! 13.1 miles, what a triumph. I truly felt like a badass!

This scenario is exactly what baffles me about my life. How can I be so positive in certain areas of my life and flounder in the other?  I have, my entire life, been battling this food spectrum, this alcohol addiction and I can’t make it to the fucking finish line!  I know how to positively think to get through many areas of my life, to call on those for support, but what the fuck!? I think I might be defective because I tell myself Stassia, do not go to the store and get that wine just because you are craving it. Do not get additional, unhealthy snacks to pair with the wine. And there I am, checking out with wine and some type of processed food. Now, many people tell me certain things to overcome these addictions such as, limit yourself, only have wine on the weekends. Or don’t have that kind of stuff in the house.  Or just to stop, just stop. Or eat protein during the week and plan for eating more carbs on the weekend. Or it’s okay, I overeat sometimes when I am with my boyfriend. Or I get strong cravings too.  But they never go through what I go through, they always manage to gain control, they always manage to lose and maintain their weight loss. What the fuck is wrong with me!? I feel alone in this battle, like no one I talk to understands what I am going through.  Why can I be so rational and aware in my mind, exploring my emotions and every reason for the craving, and then over ride it like a computer program virus?

I have tried every diet you can imagine.  They all work by the way, but I unfortunately cannot stick them out.  Weight Watchers, Chris and Heidi Powell diets, DietBet, the Biggest Loser, Jillian Michaels Workouts and Pills, Green Tea pills, Atkins, Carbohydrate Addicts, My Fitness Pal, FitBit, the list could go on and many I repeated.  All wonderful diets and programs, that I really did lose weight on.  But, I couldn’t stick with any of them, not a single one.  I have read so many diet books and programs, that I actually feel as though I am an expert. I could tell you about portion sizes, what carbohydrates do to your body, why eating 3 meals a day supports your metabolism, the benefits of exercising at least 3 days per week, how walking can improve your health, and again, my list can go on. Yet, I can’t follow any one of them for a long period of time and definitely not for a lifetime. So what am I missing? I have knowledge, a sound mind, and most days the drive.  I mean I ran in the snow this week, outside in 19-degree weather for god’s sake.  I can be a fairly determined gal, but why not with my diet?  And why, oh why is this taking so painstakingly long for me to figure out?

I can tell myself so many positive thoughts about the future, in regards to my career, how situations will turn out. I can forgive those from my past, genuinely forgive and move on (which has been a journey in itself, and I will dive into in later stories). Yet, the negative thought troops over stomp my positive thinking when it comes to my body, my looks, my eating. I have been really working on it.  The other morning, I woke up and thought, I choose to feel good about myself right now, right as I am.  I will get through this, I am vital, healthy, and in control. Stomp, stomp, stomp came the negative thoughts.  I’m fat, I will continue to get fat, this is hard. I’ll never make it, I never have and never will.  And the weird thing is, they rule.  This negative thought army rules my mind.  And I am determined to get them out of my head for good. I need to build my positive thinking army, but how? It’s time to send the army to boot camp!

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