This last couple of months I really tuned into something within myself. A deep sadness and loneliness that I have been feeling my entire life. My little girl self, went deep inside of me, back in the darkest corner of my soul. She turned this crystal blue, deep blue color almost as if frozen. Wrapped up in herself, her wings wilted upon her back she felt so alone. As I grew up, I shrouded her with terrible friendships, drama infused family and friend life, people to treat me like shit so that she would stay there and I would never have to feel her. I stuffed her with food, alcohol, drugs and promiscuous acts. There she stayed, believing everything bad anyone ever told her. Believed that she is undeserving of healthy friendships, of loving herself, of being loved, that she was never good enough and that she would never amount to anything.
This sadness created a deep void, one that I continued to fill through different avenues. I honestly, didn’t really feel good about myself. I look in the mirror and think nasty thoughts, I cared too much about what others thought about me, and I quieted a part of myself. I seemed to somehow summon people in my life who pushed that little girl deeper down into her icy, cold cave.
I want my little girl self to come to the forefront and shine. To stay there confidently. As I say this sentence out loud, I tremble through it and tears flood my eyes. I’m afraid for her to come out and stay, she is so incredibly tender, so vulnerable there. If I bring her to forefront, what if she is not loved in return? What if she is attacked? It feels like seeing the light for the first time, taking that first step towards it and into the unknown. I had become so comfortable with hiding in the darkness, there it was lonely. But there I was safe. I didn’t have to feel anything in my hiding place, I didn’t have to face people who were abrasive. I didn’t have to face people who wanted to steal her light, my light, my shine.