Re-Start

There is quite a contrast with me.  I am actually fairly happy and joyful.  I find life to be beautiful and amazing.  I find the joys in little things.  Like how snow glitters in the light, how my dog’s lip tucks under her tooth, how the sun changes the color of the sky.  My boyfriend tells me all the time “I love your enthusiasm for life!” I am outgoing, take risks, and have grown more confidence in my skills. Yet, I feel so terribly alone. Sometimes, I look up to the sky and wish that the universe would grab a hold of me and take me back, that I could grab onto a balloon and fly away. It is really hard being down here on the planet sometimes.  The emotions and ego that come with this body sometimes consume and distract me.  People are cruel and there are terrible things happening in the world that I feel I have absolutely no control over. I am not sure I can make it, that I can move forward through this muck.

It’s like I’m re-starting, but it feels as if I’ve done this a million times before. More clarity but the same habits. I think there is a part of myself I’m trying to run from.  There is always someone new who reminds me of someone old.  And there, I find myself, running away.  I am running, but with more strength.  If I had so much strength, why do I continue to run from my habits, my family, from my past? I can’t re-start with the same habits.  No wonder I have a hard time moving forward! I’m stuck in the past, glued down to these habits. They’re weighing me down! Are habits more of a comfort, because it is what I have known my entire life? Just like negative words seem like they stick around.  I’ve heard it my entire life from those I have allowed in.  Yet, it just becomes a pattern like habits, I continue to let the same people in my life who tell me the same old story. Who make me feel the same old way.  At what point do I say “ENOUGH ALREADY1?” How many habits am I going to allow to keep fucking up my life!? How comforting are these habits anyways? They just bring more pain and suffering. Alcohol to run from my emotions, food to run from my emotions, TV to run from my emotions, travel to run from my emotions, emotions to run from my emotions. Distractions! I’m not who I was last week, I’m not who I was last year. So, why do I keep convincing myself these habits belong with me!?  I’m tired of re-starting only to hold myself back.  I need to commit this time, to leave these habits with all those terrible people from my past behind.  Good bye to my habits, you are no longer my comfort and I will no longer welcome you like an “Old Friend.”

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