The Truth is Painful

I never used to talk about my bingeing and drinking issues.  Every time I went to the doctor, they would ask the same questions, one being “How many drinks a week do you have?” And, I would always lie, ashamed of the truth, “ 3-4” would always be my response.  Once I started realizing and facing my addictions, I felt the need to share and to get the help I needed so that I could finally shift my future.  I went to a new doctor, in the new town I was living in.  As we were going through the questions, I finally admitted it. “I can drink 4-5 drinks in a night, and do this fairly frequently during the week.  I also will binge on food until the point of puking.” As I said it, tears welled up and I finally felt this pain I was experiencing.  From there, I was given the name of a counselor and I began to face my issues.  I was ready to release this habit once and for all! It felt so freeing to share the truth and I felt ready to make a change.   I then signed up for the “Get in Shape” competition at my gym, I went in with the hopes of not only sending my body to boot camp but my mind as well.  It didn’t start off smoothly, to start the training our team had to weigh in with the trainer, for our group fitness challenge.  As I stood on the metal scale, in the small gym office, my heart sunk into my Nike shoes.  I had hit an all-time low within myself, the number on the scale frightened me more than I have ever been frightened about weight.  It stared back at me, with big, red beady eyes and sharp fangs, 188 pounds.  I opened up to the trainer about my bingeing, I wasn’t going to hide it anymore!  Again, as I shared tears welled up in my eyes.  So she wrote on my paper for my goal, “thinking positively and eating balanced.” As I walked back into the room with my fellow teammates, I felt a gloom come over me.  My weight had slowly increased like this over the past 9 years, I was exhausted from this torment.

That week I had also received the results from my blood work test from the doctor. My LDL cholesterol (the bad sticky cholesterol that causes heart attacks) levels were in the red and had increased from the previous year.  This time my results showed two other concerning issues.  My glucose level was 2 points above the normal range, which meant I was now in the pre-diabetic range.  My GFR Kidney Filtration Rate was low, meaning that it was decreasing its ability to filtrate. So, the truth was I became overweight and my health was now medically concerning.  I have heard so many times, love your body as it is, that is all that matters. Well, if my body isn’t functioning at its best and I’m not healthy, then I can’t accept my body as of where it is right now.  But, there is some truth to the self-love.  If I can’t love myself at this weight, then I won’t love myself at any weight.  With these truths staring back at me, it was time, time to finally walk down the path to my health and self-love.

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