Relapse

I get so pissed sometimes, it’s not easy giving up food and alcohol.  I just don’t know how people “quit” all together, cold turkey style.  For me, this is a mind game, letting go of addictions runs deeper than a “diet” or “quitting.”  These addictions run all the way back to my childhood.  I have to venture to the bottom of the hole and fill it with self-love and with positive thinking.  But that is way easier said than done and how does one shift their mind anyways? I have had a couple of relapses since beginning my positive mind and body Bootcamp shift.  The third week in, on a Sunday before the work week, I binged on food and alcohol until I puked.  There actually was a slight difference this time, was that instead of beating myself up with shame and giving up on the balance of my food intake, and turn to eating fast-food, not caring, I stood back up and said, “it’s okay!” I continued with choosing healthy foods that made me feel good and continued to stop eating when I was full. I reflected on the cause of the binge, what was the root of it? I quickly realized that I felt stress from going back to work on Monday, that I didn’t really feel fulfilled with my job and I just wanted to have “fun.” So, I dismissed those feelings with food and alcohol.  I jumped right back into my routine and made it through the week and into the next weekend, without a single binge or drop of alcohol. I think it was about 6 days.  Well, yesterday I was feeling stressed from my job and usually I would go to the gym, but I had plans with my honey so went from work right to our evening engagement.  There I found myself, numbing my emotions with wine.  It didn’t stop at dinner, I felt I needed more alcohol.  On a Tuesday night, I binged on alcohol and got wasted.  I wasn’t as positive this time around.  I was pissed! What the hell, I was getting into a rhythm and then BAM! Alcohol sold me on partying.  This was so frustrating and I felt like, I can’t do this! I can’t meet my goals, I can’t give up alcohol, this is just too fucking hard!! The negative thoughts were strong this time; I didn’t think I could make it through. I was so frustrated!! Every time I focus on balancing my eating habits and exercise, my mind nor the scale budges! I have been exercising, a great deal, more than normal!  Granted, I did have a few fails of bingeing.  But the fucking scale goes up, then goes down (barely), what the hell!!  Although I am making effort and balancing my life, my scary, fear of a weight barely budges! It’s been four weeks, and I’m pretty much where I started.  This right here, this is why I have given up.  My fear based thoughts creep up, Can I keep this up? For how long? Will I make it this time? I have always fallen off in the past, why even bother? Will my weight continue to increase? What if, what if, what if! There is this part of me that doesn’t believe I can do this.  I have always felt this way, even now when I feel more calm with my eating patterns and workout routine, I’m so fucking scared of failing…again!! Now, many people say, “Don’t even look at the scale it will just torture you!” Well, I have a body image issue, I have this insatiable need to constantly pull that scale out and I constantly stare at my bare stomach in the mirror.  I’ve thought about tossing the scale, but I feel as though if I don’t monitor my weight somehow, my weight will creep up.  That is what happened this last round, I dropped my weight to 174, then I gave up on my efforts and it increased to 179.  Then I said, no more scale! That’s when it reached its highest of 188.

It’s like I pace back and forth in my mind, tormenting myself with the “what ifs” and my fears.  Then trying to be positive on top of it, drives me just about insane! How can I be positive in a sea of torment? I tried to hold the ropes of my sails for the day, luckily I go to see my therapist the next day, maybe I can get to the root of this. I explained and cried to my therapist about the constant back and forth, and how I don’t think I can make it to the finish line.  How can I keep going in a running race, because my mind knows the distance but I can’t apply the same concept to losing weight and being healthy??  She leaned in and said to me “There really isn’t a finish line, you just have to keep one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward.” I sat back and reflected on her words, she was absolutely right, maybe I have focused too much on the “end” the “finish” and haven’t allowed myself to move forward steadily.  This is a life-long race, the winning is my health and my self-love, until then I have to struggle through this.   After I left her office, I slowly began talking myself back onto the positive train.  It’s okay,I told myself, I will make it through. I will have a plan for next time. I can do this; I can do this. Once I allowed my positive thinking to flood through, I became more excited to go back to my routine of attending boot camp, to get my “mo jo”, my feeling of being a badass woman. I am hoping I can go longer this time without the need to numb my feelings, that I can stay in the rhythm longer. My goal is to catch myself before the wave of emotion consumes me, to name the emotion so I can move through it and to remind myself that this will take time.  For now, I just put one foot in front of the other.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s