My best friend asked me, after she read my blog stories, “Why have you felt the need to binge on food and alcohol, what is the reasoning?” It was a great question and through my self-healing, I have found that I didn’t know how to love myself. Through this process of trying to lose weight and shift my thinking, I have uncovered a part of myself that I have been neglecting. I think nasty things about myself, constantly put myself down, and never feel good when I look in the mirror. This was all because I never really learned the importance of self-love, what that looks like and how to get there. I would fill this void with food and alcohol. I am learning, that the more graceful I am with myself the more I feel the love towards myself. This isn’t a “happen over night” type of deal. I have 34 years of self-hate that I have to reverse, it is like I am getting to know myself all over again.
On the way to one of my therapy sessions, I was thinking about writing my younger self a letter, a letter of self-compassion. When I arrived to my therapy session, my counselor suggested that I write a letter to myself. How amazing is that!? So that is what I did. The next session, I read the letter out loud to her and balled my eyes out the entire time. It was extremely powerful and healing. I left that session feeling stronger and feeling safe to be myself and feeling safe to love myself. I still get worked up when I read it and I am feeling as though I need to read it out loud to someone again. I strongly recommend, to whomever is reading this, to do the same and read it aloud to someone you trust. Here is the letter I wrote to my younger self:
Do you remember your vivid imagination growing up? You are so gifted my child. You are smart, beautiful, and so incredibly good for this world. I know you have encountered some pretty terrible people and they emotionally abused you. Do not listen to them! They are going through deep insecurities and projecting them on to you. If you listen, it will only damage you. Go back to each of them and say, “you were wrong about me!” Because they are! You have a bright light to shine that this world needs, do not let anyone dim your light. You are strong and independent. You do not need anyone’s approval to be who you are. Keep your high energy and enthusiasm for life, because it is a gift! Many people wish they had that and so they try to take it away from you. Do not let them! You may not think you are not beautiful or have any self-worth because that is what other people have told you or made you feel. To be beautiful comes from within, it comes from loving yourself through and through. No one can fill that lonely void you feel inside, only you can fill it. Every day, look in the mirror and tell yourself how beautiful you are, how incredibly loved you are, that you love yourself. Tell yourself how amazing you are and how special it is that you are here on earth. Do not let anyone tell you different, because they are phonies. They are the unhappy ones, and they do not deserve to have you in their lives.
Stassia, you are a delicate butterfly, drinking the sweetness of life. Keep your enthusiasm, because life is miraculous. Take the moments to stop and see the beauty in the world. You are sensitive and armed with intuition, listen to your heart and your feelings. What you feel is your true north, your true self. Little butterfly, protect yourself from those that are negative. Shield yourself from the negativity of the world because you deserve so much more than that! You deserve people in your life who love you just the way you are. You deserve happiness, joy, and love! You deserve all that life has to offer and nothing less.